connection

Undulating synchronicities
Of value defined, of sacred space, of laughter explored, of dancing life.
Languages spoken and not; articulating from the universe and landing here.

Small and subtle openings, like watching a beautiful lily find the sun.
Forward motion that's sometimes skipping,
sometimes stepping gingerly over stones,
and sometimes manifesting as a tango.


Beer, beer, I’ve found a peer.
Let’s color the evening orange and call it a success.
Our responses to life will line up with our desires one day. No rush.
For “faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.”

Like a duck floating on the water -
just here, now, with no further agenda.
He shows me that to be or not to be really is the question.
To be with you and you with me.

What connection is this, I ask:
shared reality or environmental coincidence?
Well, either way -
I am astounded
and grounded,
by an authentic mutual exchange.

acting

my latest adventure has been diving into acting classes. i decided i needed to get a jump-start on my retirement plan of being an old lady actress. think Betty White, "where's the beef" lady, "i've fallen and i can't get up" lady, Cher's grandpa in Moonstruck. the fun stuff. i think it's a brilliant plan and could be the most important career of my life.

but that's a little way off, so in the meantime, i'm learning the ins and outs of what it means to put on a character. after only 8 weeks of the basics and improvisation, i already see how this acting thing can get to the best (and worst) of you. it's a practice of presence like i've never experienced before. being in the moment and allowing your authentic self to play out while "embodying" someone else is mind-blowing. i've seen parts of me and of humanity exposed in the process and it's a very beautiful thing. sometimes disturbing, but always beautiful.

so, i'm finding that acting requires taking off shame, not being afraid to make a fool of myself, opening to every possibility, listening deeply to my heart, and not shrinking from intimacy. life lessons across the board. not easy, but much appreciated. so i'm moving on to the level two class in the new year. yay!

a friend recently commented that i participate in a lot of "self enrichment" activities. this made me laugh, but alas, she's correct. i hope i'll be enriching myself from now to eternity. what's the opposite of that, anyway? self un-richment? no thanks. and i hope you, reader, will enroll yourself in whatever class, workshop, meetup, community, etc. that will bring enrichment to your life. i think un-richment must suck.

"to be or not to be. that IS the question."
sending love...

opening

A door opens when someone pushes it
Or pulls
Or steps on the automatic floor thingy

How satisfying when the store you need something from is open
Or the restaurant with your favorite soup

In springtime a flower opens to smile at the sun
And shows us the color side of its petals

You open a book to scan the brilliance of another
Or the lame attempt at literary significance

I open my mouth to eat ice cream
And bacon
Sometimes mixed together
Oh, and to sing in the shower, of course

In the escalating heat, a woman opens to her lover for their sacred pleasure

You open your eyes when you wake in the morning
Then open the curtains to see about the weather

We open the freezer to take out the frozen dinner
That we stick in the oven while we check e-mail
Which we open in the Internet browser
After opening our computer

I open the lid of the toilet
Because I am a woman

The window is opened for a fresh breeze
Or for survival when someone, you know, ...farts

If we are blessed, we rip open a gift on our birthday
And possibly Christmas

When our child is crying we open our arms to hug away the sad

I open my heart to the world
Inviting the pain
And the wild bliss
And making a case for the ritual of opening

writing

i'm finding more and more how necessary it is to chronicle life - thoughts, hopes, dreams, rants, made-up stuff. writing is therapy for me. self-discovery on paper and screen. up to now, most of my words have been devoted to journaling and blogging and an occasional poem-esque thing. this type of writing is essential to my creative me because it's mostly uncensored and in raw form. i'm not terribly picky about writing supplies, although not long ago, i decided it would be fun to make myself a journal. when it was finished, i was tempted to give it away as a gift to someone, so on the first page, i painted in giant letters "MINE!" and i'm glad i kept it. it's nice to write in something specifically devoted to 'these words' of mine.

so. i recently decided to take a creative writing class to expand my understanding of this wordsmithing craft. perhaps it's unnecessary to learn how to write right, but it's challenging me and i love a challenge. i think it's the first step in helping me get from being a writer to being a story teller. and i've got stories to tell. we all do. we each have something to say and a unique voice to say it with. there will be self judgment, there will be resistance to vulnerability, there will be a struggle with truth, there will even be some quitting. and some days there will just be a big, happy vocabulary playground. but in the end, because of or in spite of the process, what you write may - just may - touch another human (or yourself) with the realization that they are not alone in this world. and that will make it all worth the word-work. don't you agree?

children

is it possible that i haven't written a blog about kids yet? really? i'm not sure how i've been able to discuss anything about play without discussing children. they are the inventors and upholders of play. it's in their fabric, their essence. their development depends on it.

i've spent most of my life working (playing) with children in many different shapes and forms. i've babysat, taught, siblinged, nannyed, tutored and friended hundreds of children over the years . i've never mothered any, and perhaps i won't, but my cup is full. the lessons learned about creativity and acceptance and innocence and maturity and grief and unconditional love will be part of me forever.

i will never forget when Katie (age 3) looked up from her coloring and asked, "anissa, would you like to art with me?" leave it to a child to understand that art is a verb.

i will never forget when i asked caroline (age 2) "how did you get so big?" and she answered, "i not SO big - i can't reach da candy" (which her mother kept on the top shelf).

i will never forget when i was teaching animal names and sounds to a group of Russian 4-year-olds and one boy wanted to stick to the dog sound he knew in russian-"gaff-gaff". i said, "Kolya, in english, dogs say 'arf-arf'" to which he replied with a bit of exasperation, "anissa, dogs don't speak english".

i will never forget the many experiences of joy that i've witnessed on people who received a smile from a child. a smile - it's so simple.

i will never forget when i turned on the music for the class and Nastia (age 3) shouted the song above everyone, because she loved the song so much and wanted to hear her own voice.

i will never forget Caleb (age 9) blatantly questioning god and eternity after his mother died.

i will never forget all of the children who never cared if i had a zit or messy hair or bad breath or dry skin, but looked at me adoringly anyway. they respond to love, not to the external.

i will never forget amanda (age 2) pointing at a woman at the pool and saying (very loudly), "she's fat!". for kindness' sake, we learn to temper, but oh, the beautiful honesty.

i will never forget that every child has a world to play in, born of the imagination and fueled by zeal for life and the now. i've begun to recapture this, with children as my role models and mentors. i am so grateful for the life i've been given.

(selah)

clouds

wow! beautiful sky-art!
you hold the key

to what i want to be when i grow up.

boundless, free, unpredictable, evolving.
arting in the heavens and on the earth;
you draw shapes on the land when Her Majesty shines.
you protect, you provide and you are.
i rejoice that my experience of you cannot contain you.
passing by as a fly
over your ever-changing mountains,
i long to jump in and try on that cotton candy dress.
beauty with purpose.
who dares presume such promising?
i strain my ear to hear
and cumulus whispers, "thank you for noticing."

travel

here i am, once again, trying to decide which shoes to take and how many Q-tips i'll actually need; 20 necklaces? come on, really, anissa? toothpaste and deodorant for sure. check. and thank god i have an ipod touch now, so i can leave my computer at home. oh the joys of packing, especially when you have several destinations that may vary in temperatures by 50 degrees or so. but, i actually love the packing part of traveling. that's when it starts, even before you head out to the airport.

this particular trip will involve stops in Russia, France and the islands of North Carolina. i get to see loved ones, eat amazing food, experience other thought-lives, behold Red Square and the Eiffel Tower, dance, laugh and be. and most importantly, i'll get the cultural 'cleanse' i've been craving for some time.

you see, for me, international travel didn't start until i was 24. but once i tasted of airports, foreign languages and the realization that not everyone thinks like me, i was hooked. every time i encounter another culture, i experience moments of thinking i want to stay there forever. and i experience presence in a truer, deeper way than at home. new and unique experiences invoke awareness in a way that is often lost when we're comfortably hanging out in the familiar. one of my life-challenges is to find that now-ness in the 'mundane' as well as in the exciting adventure. but i'm getting off track...

so, i have a life-goal to visit every continent (maybe with the exception of Antarctica - it's cold there and i'm sure that what i need for internalizing penguin culture can be found in the film Happy Feet), and as many countries as possible. wouldn't it be cool if i could be the first woman to visit every country in the world? there's an Indian man who's done it, but no woman that i'm aware of. hmmmm... if you'd like to fund such a venture, i promise i'd write a book about it and put your name in the dedication. think about it.

now go see the world! traveling mercies...